Kisses Are Not Contracts

 

 

Billy Joel’s Lyrics:

I would not leave you, in times of trouble….
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times,
I’ll take you just the way you are…..
You always have my, unspoken passion,
Although I might not seem to care.

I said I love you, and that’s forever,
And this I promise from the heart,…..

 Billy Joel took a pen a while back and in these lyrics wrote the desires of my heart. Billy has that knack, to write just what you feel.

Is this not what we all yearn for?  To be loved the way we are.  Don;t we all yearn for a love that will be there for us in the good times and the bad times? I did. In fact, I would dream until my heart would ache from desiring that I would be loved in such a manner- in such a simple and accepting way. In a way, that I could be who I am yet love and be loved. Give and receive-in that easy way.

We know that when we fall in love and when we get married our love is different than all the others.    Our love will conquer all and we will always be cherished .

I spent a lifetime in a much different type scenario. I lived in a lonely, fearful and oppressing marriage.  A marriege where I was not accepted and where I was never good enough.  A marriage and relationship in which we both suffered and neither one of us ever really new the other. I lived in denial for most of the stormy time. My efforts were not recognized, certainly not acknowledged

I accepted the unacceptable and lived with it every day of my life. I lost touch with the vibrant and creative person that I had been told I was, with the independent and brave person that I knew I had been. I got up and tried daily. I put a foot in front of the other and went through the motions of living. At night, I would fantasize that the guy that I married (and that had been so in love with me) would come back and take his body back from this cold and critical stranger in my life.  I reached out and found only cold and empty space.

 

Who was I?  Moreover, how did I get here? How did we become this?

 

I did a good job of repressing, concealing my fears and pain. I was there for others and only those that new me deeply and intimately noticed. They would same things like “you have changed”.

 

A brother in law actually went as far as asking what happened to the radiant light that was always me.  He told me that  the light that used to shine in me was gone. I laughed and took it and pretended it was a joke. Nevertheless, my heart would not allow me to lie to myself in that moment. I shrunk and new that it was true.   That night  wept.  That night night I wondered if my heart would shrivel and die.

 

At home, dark sunglasses came in handy. They were usually part of my daily wardrobe. They were my tear concealers, or so I thought. I was out of touch enough to think my children did not figure it out and would know that I was crying, again. It became a him humorless joke with them. 

Our three children are casualties of our cold war. And war it was. I am yet to find out how much scar tissue there is from those deep wounds. 

Often, love does not last forever and often promises are forgotten. Sometimes we find our selves alone when we did not think we would, or on just a strange and lonely road.

 

When this happens, we all react differently but I will bet that most of us desire the same things.

What this is all about today is to sthat there is life after life. In other words, a door (for all of us) that leads to a different corridor of this life. There is joy, there is peace, there is love, there is achievement there is acceptance from our selves and from others.

The sun does shine again. And you will be a better you than you ever were before.

The following Poem is one that appeared on Ann Landers many years ago. One day, I realized that it applied to me. I cut it out of the newspaper and hid it like a secret and precious treasure. It became a sort of mantra along with prayers and pleading of my heart.

I am putting out here and perhaps it will mean something to you.

I am not sure who the author is or the name.

Comes the Dawn”

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow’s ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
that you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn.. .
With every goodbye you learn.

To me these are such profound words. I found them to be true. I planted my little garden, metaphorically and in reality. I could not always nurture my self-planted garden but it was there.

My goal here for all of us to be able to find and keep the grace that is within us. To remind us all that we can endure and that we can find our strength and personal power. Then when someone does bring us flowers, they will smell much sweeter because they are a bonus not a dependency.

“God has not given us the Spirit of fear but of Power and of Love and of a sound mind”. Let us tap into our personal power given to us by Deity.