Life’s Illusion’s I Recall
I liked to think that I have had a multifaceted view of this world and of my life.
Joni Mitchell says: “I’ve looked at Life from both sides now,from up and down…” Most of us by the time we get out of college, get married and have kids have had a second look at life. And it is usually completely different than we planned or invisioned.
I was born to wealth and privilege which due to politics and war was dispersed to others without much ado.
As a child I had a nanny, went to private schools, and my clothes were all made by a seamstress. My mother had a cook, a housekeeper and a grounds keeper. We owned a city home, a country home, and a beach home as well.
Social revolt brought my parents world crashing down. The lands were confiscated, along with real estate and personal property. When I was a small child it was not unusual to sleep on a mattress on the floor. This was my Mom’s safety measure to avoid any stray bullets from the guerrillas stomping through our yard nightly. In the morning, our nanny would take us out and we would make a game of finding the food prints left behind by the rebels and government soldiers the night before. Curfews were set for the safety of people, carnage reined. One did not know who the enemy was.
This particular revolt came to an end when the governing dictator fled the island with all his wealth. The government was taken over by a Charismatic and popular dictator. “Change” was the promise-loss of freedoms and property was the result. Poverty and fear for all.
Simple freedoms and right were revoked. Neighborhood “watch dogs” were set up to spy on one another. It did not take long for the country to be involved in yet another conflict. Even as a child I was aware of the incredible conflict. At night before succumbing to sleep I would hear, in my mind, the whistle of falling bombs. I lived in fear for everyone that I loved, especially my father-he was clandestinely involved in aiding rebels. Everyone was preparing for and awaiting an invasion. This invasion -a last hope-would come from the USA. As children we would secretely sing the Mantra “Que Venga La Invasion” ( Come the Invasion ). The invasion came to our shores. But without the air support that was crucial- negotiations were made the last minute and they were ordered not to go through with the mission-tens of thousands were left stranded like sitting ducks.
I survived the storming of my grandmother’s house by soldiers in their jungle fatigues. I awoke to find armed bearded and sweaty men in front of my bed. They were aiming their machine guns at my grandma’s head, as she sat on her rocker. I shivered and swallowed my terror along with the tears that were chocking me. I withstood interrogations and watched my uncle dragged away, tied so tightly that his arms were purple. My mom was no where to be seen. My heart sank with the fear that she had been shot.
I wondered if my father-who was in a different part of the country-was still alive. What about my small siblings? These fears and thoughts were interrupted by men trying to trip me in my answers to their questions. They falsely accused my grand mother and planted eveidence. They rampaged through the house, pulling out and tossing articles in closets, drawers, tearing mattresses and pouring out food supplies.
Somehow, like everything in life, despite the fear and the terror at hand; that night ended. This, too, passed (fatigue conquered me and I slept).
A few months later, after many government negotiations and agreements, I was put on a plane alone with my little brother and little sister. We were being sent away from our parents to the United States, where we would be safe and where we could have the freedoms that were no longer available to anyone in the place of my birth.
That was what we were told. Although, all of it was true, no one told me that it entailed leaving my mother, my father and everyone that I new and loved; and life as I new it behind. No one told me that I would never see that grandmother again. No one told me that twilight would close in on my heart as the awareness of my loss engulfed me!
We left with only the clothes on our backs, never looking back. Doing so would have meant I had to look at my father and Grandma as I left them for ever. I never did see my Mom at the airport -she stayed behind not being able to bear saying goodbye to her three children. After becoming a parent I understood what a horrifying sacrifice that was. I owe her this unselfish and selfless sacrifice. A sacrifice that changed our whole life.
As the day and my world came to a close and my young heart broke with the pain of such great loss, I reached for the hope that my father had talked about. He had pulled me aside and said, “You will never be alone as long as you turn to God.” I took those words into my heart that day. And I kept them and pondered them. It was light in the darkness. I knew who He-GOD-was to me. I did not know yet that different people call him different things and understood him differently. Yet in my young and unknowing life I trusted in this promise and put it to test. I found that there is light in darkness, love that supports, peace where there is pain and turmoil, response to my pleadings, and if I listen I can be lead. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you…” John 14:27 .
The above description of my arrival here many years ago sounds melodramatic. But this event was that traumatic to the young girl that I was.
Overwhelmed by the responsibility and loss I set forward to live one day at time. No one told me that this was a concept and the motto of a group that called themselves AA-I instinctively knew as Scarlet O’Hara did that “Tomorrow is another day.”
This I see now was my first Pyre. The first thrust into a fire that would from the ashes bring me a rebirth. As an adult I am finally coming to grips with the impact that all this had on the development and shaping of the woman that I am today.
I arrived here with little more than my inborn God given Freedom to choose. This is a true principle we call it “Free Agency”. Victor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning asserts this-And it is something that I have put to test and know to be true: “Everything can be taken from a man but …the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.This cannot be taken away.” He goe into great detail to illustrate this principle in Man’s Search for Meaning.
Here in this new land with a family that did not speak my native language and away from my parents, I new instinctively that it was up to me-Of course, I was too young to actually put in those terms in my mind. I “Smiled at the World.” - As a teenager I actually read that quote somewhere and feeling validated, it became my motto. “Smile at the World and the World Will Smile at You”. Yes, I know it sounds so sophomoric and trite. But it was actually-when put in the context of struggling to survive, striving to belong and learning to put an old life behind- it was actually a great coping mechanism. It eventually became part of me, part of my personality and my out look in life.
This was the beginning of my life long quest to change my circumstances by changing my attitude. It was the beginning of seeking learning-This was a way, at the time, to put all of this behind-but somehow our past life has a way of resurfacing.
I have not completely learned how to always change my attitude, I have not always coped well, I have failed more times than my heart wants me to admit, I have let others down at times- but this is what this is about- reality. It is about believing that we can do it, that our circumstances can change, that our attitudes can change. It is believing in Power beyond us and in the personal Power that is given to us.
“For god has not Given us the Spirit of Fear, but of Power and of Love and of a sound mind.” 2ND Timothy 1:7
I believe that as women we have the power, the strenght and the experience to learn from each other,be a light and to validate one another.
We have ”seen life (and love) from both sides now” and yet somehow it is life illusion’s I (we) recall”!!
Iliana Brown
